Shack-SH

By Serena Heslop

Having trouble deciphering those real estate ads? Here’s what they REALLY mean:

  1. Move-in condition = front door is missing
  2. Light, open spaces = many holes in the walls
  3. In-city oasis = a swamp
  4. All original = original mold, original termites
  5. Territorial views = sweeping view of neighbor’s blackberry bushes and rusty car collection
  6. Close to buses = the bus stop is at your front door
  7. Retro = orange shag carpet, avocado appliances and dark wood paneling
  8. Wide-open floor plan = previous owner removed supporting walls
  9. Outstanding = sticks out like a sore thumb
  10. Convenient = located on a freeway entrance ramp
  11. Cozy = oversized doghouse
  12. Lower level family room = Ping-pong table over sewer opening
  13. Gardener’s paradise = chiropractor’s meal-ticket
  14. Gourmet kitchen = includes cutting board
  15. Convenient to shopping = is located in a Safeway parking lot
  16. Modern appliances = includes flushing toilet
  17. Mountain view = from a tiptoed stance atop the chimney
  18. Doll House = big enough for Barbie (sans Ken)
  19. Unique floor plan = kitchen is in the living room
  20. Just needs your personal touches = i.e., walls
  21. Fixer = faux foundation
  22. Handyman’s dream = Joe Blow’s nightmare
  23. Mint = someone spilled mouthwash on the carpet
  24. Sweat Equity = you’re in a for a real stinker

 

(Sur) Real Estate Glossary: Top 24 Descriptions Defined